beautifully flawed

"to be human is to be beautifully flawed."

-october baby

have you ever been attracted to someone who you knew inside of yourself was not good for you? i mean, you're going on a mission, papers in and everything all set and he's not even active kind of picture? yah. and yet you still find yourself thinking about them. thinking about how when he stands close to you, you wish you were closer. thinking about that night when he almost kissed you and how you wish you had let him. thinking about how he held you close and you'd give almost anything to be back there again.

key word: almost.

but reality is never the way we wish it were. life isn't a fairytale. i'm going on a mission. and i promise, i am working on getting this guy out of my head. and to be honest, my head and my heart agree that he is not good for me. at least most of my heart.

and i truly know that i am supposed to serve the Lord. even just today, i had a missionary experience and it felt good to know that even in a small sense, i could make a difference. even if it was just in the way that "mormons" are perceived.

anyway - back to the topic - i like this guy that i shouldn't like. and because i'm going on a mission, and he knows that, he is no longer interested in me. it hurt. but he's right. my heart is just slower to let that sink it. in a sense i am very thankful to him. one sense. all the other senses are sorry.

maybe enough silence from him will really hit it home eventually.

and this is why i am flawed. to be loved is a beautiful adventure, to have romance and excitement is wonderful. and i guess it's a part of what makes me human, i always find myself being the sucker for a good drama or romance, no matter how many times i fall flat on my face. and yes, i have been told i have a thing for the bad boys and it's not good.

hopefully this flaw will lead to a beautiful ending somewhere down this road.

small thoughts

you know those random, seemingly insignificant thoughts you get sometimes while you're driving in the car on the way to work? or maybe you're watching a movie and your mind wanders?

here are some of mine {please forgive if most of them sound like facebook statuses}:

after nine years of trying to fit in with them and wanting them to love you like they "loved" each other...i'm finally learning to just. let. go.

the soundtrack to my life will be David Tolk. and someday i would like to go to a cafe, drink some hot chocolate and tell him all the times when his music helped me clear my mind at critical moments.

i really just want to kiss him. and just for the heck of it. not because he is the best guy i have ever known, not because he is a good person at all. simply because i have this incredible urge that if i don't, i will always regret it.

have you ever been surrounded by friends...and yet not known a single one of them?

for as long as i can remember i hated using the words "thee", "thou" or "thine" or anything like that when praying. but i heard something yesterday...someone said that all of those words displayed a closeness to God, not distance. i never understood that. i never even knew that that was lost from this language. and suddenly i understand.

the end

"what are you thinking?"

"your beliefs become your thoughts,

your thoughts become your words,

your words become your actions,

your actions become your habits,

your habits become your values,

your values become your destiny."

~Mahatma Gandhi

all these words in my mind, all these fears, all of these hopes and dreams and desires keep crashing around in there like the lost seas, depth unknown and whether calm or raging full of an uncertainty that nothing can cure.

as human beings we are always discovering ourselves. we never stop changing. every experience affects us, just like every wash of the waves changes the sands of the world, polishes the edges of every seashell over time.

and then something changes you, more than anything else. and you're never that same person you were, and never will be ever again. you've lost who you used to be, with no chance of being her ever again. and that is why we always find ourselves discovering not the same person, but a new one, over and over and over again and it's never-ending.

through it all...you have these words in your mind, a constant screaming that needs to be heard. but you can't let it out. your anger, your fear, your hurts. if you let them out someone uses them, because everything you say, can and will be held against you. no exceptions.

so many people live their lives not giving a darn what people use those words for. but me? i'm afraid of that power. words. they are so strong.

but who i am now, she's more lost when she can't be heard. she doesn't want to be asked and most of the time she wants to simply be silent. because the world isn't really ever silent. if you listen long enough even at the most quiet moments, the rest of the world rushes in to makes its own voice heard.

so here it is my turn. my turn to "just say something". no matter what it is.

and maybe i will discover my destiny along the way as well as myself.