change. adjust. and now i'm moving on.

life cycles through those constantly. something changes, it's hard but you adjust {whether fast or slow} and then you move on.

and sometimes when you've moved on it takes only a moment, and other times you don't think you have until you look to the past and realize...it's just the past.

there's always a quote that gets my thoughts about this. "it's funny how day by day nothing changes but looking back...everything has changed."

that girl who used to be my best friend? she's got a boyfriend...and she always said that that would never happen. and my real best friend, the one who i call and we can talk about anything and we cry together - she's married now!

then there's the blog of a girl i don't know {i know i'm a creep, get over it} and i read her blog from when she was a teen and then think about her blog now...and she's married. and she's changed so much too.

and then that boy who used to tease me and asked me on my first date and i said no, he's on a mission now. it's crazy to think that if i had said yes maybe things would have been different.

oh yah.

back to the main point.

the main point is this: for each of these people, for each of these relationships something changed. then they adjusted, whether happily or unhappily and then...suddenly it was the past.

it's a beautiful thing.

the end.

hurt feelings

people can be so hurtful with their words. this last week has been a rough one for me on that plane. i have never had more customers than i did this week who threatened to get my fired or shut down my workplace. then add on top of that all the drama going on in my group of friends there, people lying, and between not knowing whose words to believe and trying to decipher all of the mess, and then people being mad at me when they were the ones who hurt my feelings in the first place...

that sounds so elementary school doesn't. hurt feelings.

but that's what this all is really about. my feelings have been hurt. i don't remember being any unhappier than i have been the past three months. i have always considered myself a happy person. always. someone who likes simple beauty, and really loves anyone who will give her a chance to love them. i don't hold back. and because of that i get hurt a lot i guess. never before now have i met people who i gave and gave to, and only got spat on in return. i'm not your pawn to use and your fair weather companion. when i make a friend, we are always friends. but if you freak out when one time i decide to bail or tell me you'll keep what i tell you to yourself and then decide that actually doesn't apply...

sorry. i'm getting carried away. i'm just having a hard time understanding other people's definitions of friendship. because if this is what the world's live definition is; it's messed up.

so goodnight people. i hope your messed up lives work themselves out by the morning but chances are they won't and chances are i will have to hear and deal with it all over again tomorrow, saying sorry for who knows what because guess what, that's my name.

"i'm sorry."

nice to meet you too.

what'er

players always say they're not players. but what'er

good boys always have a bad streak. but what'er

i always fall for the bad boys and get hurt. but what'er

people aren't what they think they or say they are. but what'er

i trusted people i shouldn't have. but what'er

now i'm moving on to bigger and brighter things.

i see the big picture now, and just like you promised me,

i am a happier person.

this is my place

have you ever thought about the places where you felt the most right? where everything seemed to be just perfect and you never wanted to leave? was it by chance in his arms, or maybe with a guitar in your hands? sometimes was it alone and sometimes in a crowd?

i don't know where my place is anymore. i feel like i'm constantly falling for someone, believing them, believing that they care about me, that i'm not a complete idiot to be doing this to myself again when i already know how this haiku ends. every love story ends, sorry to break it to you.

so maybe i just don't have a place. not that kind of place at least. no place in someone's heart forever oh-so-sappy love story perfect. i do have a place though physically where i can go. and never have i ever taken anyone there...because i don't want to contaminate it.

that sounds harsh you say? but it's true. she ruined the rooftops. he ruined haley's lookout. the walks at night became more of a chore. special places are hard to find and i gave a lot of mine up because i wanted to share that peace i had found there with them. that was a mistake, because the moment you bring someone there...they have a memory in your heart there. and once that friendship or relationship burns to the ground then so does your solitude. you will forever be crowded with the hauntings of those memories.

better to leave your special place just that. yours.

just like you should leave your heart alone, stop ripping pieces out of it and trying to give it to others who won't return a piece of theirs, or a piece of theirs that's too small or too big. that's your heart...you don't have to give it away anymore.

don't bring them to your place.

this is my place.

dear stalker,

just kidding. of course. although i have noticed that my blog here only gets single views per post. which means that there is at least one reader who keeps coming back. i don't know if i know you already or if you are a random person who found my blog on the web but hey, you should comment. i'd love to say hi to my one and only reader. have a great night

kaylla

alone

as long as i can remember i have always been alone.

not in the sense that there is no one else in the same room, less literal

alone in the kind of person i am. and i am.

i truly am...completely...alone.

and the hardest and saddest thing is that i am never more aware of this

than when i am with my "friends".

and back when seth and i were always together, best friends and the whole...shabang

i was happy for the first time and didn't feel alone.

but now that i have changed, even from the girl he knew

and i can never go back to being that same...innocent girl


i have lost him too.


this makes me realize that once again i am on my own

is there any hope?

bruises

you know how when you get a bruise you keep pushing on it to make it hurt, almost as if you are making sure it's still there? ya. i do that too, but with more than just physical bruises.

a girl's best friends: honesty and humility and confidence

believe it or not but time after time (the past six guys who have found them even slightly attracted to me - no i'm not joking about the numbers - and shut up if you think i'm full of it, i honestly could care less right now) i have found that these three fellows are my best friends!

when it comes to catching fish in that sea these are my tips for you girls:

1) honesty. a guy expects a girl to flirt, to be nice and sweet. most of the time he doesn't expect her to speak her mind even if it means making a fool of herself. be different. like telling him straight up that he looks like an idiot in those skinny jeans. of course don't be rude...just honest. sarcasm also can play a part here. use it wisely.

2) humility. if you are wrong just admit it. don't hold on to grudges and insist that you are right when secretly you know you are wrong. just give in and have a little humility and tell them when they actually are right. they'll be shocked.

3) confidence. when he compliments you, just say a thank you. guys don't talk enough so when he does say something, he most likely means it. it may not mean that he likes you and wants to marry you and have a happily ever after with you {!} but seriously. you are beautiful in that dress. and dang girl! if he teases about it, that's fine too, because every joke is rooted in even just a little truth.


the end.

let's try this one more time...

i think it would be better to just give up on men. they are just more pain then they are worth. and i keep getting hurt. thankfully not hurt enough to have to suffer through another broken heart. just bummer days. and you know what? i don't feel happy. and that just isn't like me. i love my friends right now, i really do. but i'm just not as happy as i remember being before. and i might be alone if i take this path...but i think i will be happier in the long run.

yes, i know what you are thinking: "she's said that before..."

well who knows, maybe this time i will be successful. if not at least giving up the bad friends for no friends, but giving up the difficult friends for friends who i can feel truly happy around.

i'm tired of being judged and feeling like it's bad to be "sheltered". i like who i am. and i don't have to try everything to know they're wrong. i used to be so happy. and more than anything i want to go back to that.

ouch

that hurt.
sometimes your "friends"
are the ones to lift you up
but most times
they just cut you into a million pieces

but what'er.

this is why i don't let you in.
don't ask me next time
to open my heart to you.

i'm not doing this trust thing
anymore.

bite my tongue

you said i got sass, that i need to calm down.

and you don't even know what i'm not saying.

because half the time i bite my tongue.


and we stand there in comfortable friendship

supposedly.

but secretly as i watch you dancing around the room

and being so very cute about it

all i want to do is plant one on you right then and there


then i have to go home, and i tell myself the truth

the painful, painful truth

that he doesn't,

and never will feel the same way

and i shouldn't even want it

because he's not right for me.

at least not the light side of me.


we all have a light and dark side to ourselves,

and it's a part of life learning to "bite your tongue"


i always go back to january and wish i had let you kiss me.

depth

looking down into a deep chasm, down...down...down...

and i wonder to myself why i cannot see that depth anywhere else now. were you the only one who held the same darkness inside of themselves as i do? is that why we worked so well together, because we both had hearts as scarred as a veteran's face?

no. it's not. because you weren't scarred at all. somehow you missed all of that. the dirt and grime of this world passed right over you. but me? i soaked it in like a sponge, not caring whether the water i soaked up was clear and pure or full of mud and bacteria.

i just don't understand it. any of it. why someone so perfect could love me...or even just pretend to love me. because i just don't know anymore. i watch that video and hear you say it and i feel like i should laugh. neither of us knew what we were even doing! we thought we'd felt temptation? we thought we had sinned? and all we did was hold hands.

sorry but i gotta kinda laugh at that.

maybe i am just as alone as i have always thought. and i find it hard to believe that i may actually find someone out there who is "perfect" for me. because as far as i am aware...i don't want it to be a decision. is that really the only way?

i don't do the jealous thing

you know that game, two truths and a lie? well that was my lie. i do do the jealous thing. in fact i do it all the time. it's probably one of my biggest faults. it's dumb and pointless though and i know that, even and maybe especially when i feel that way. which might only make it harder.

because i know i'm in the wrong, and i know of no way to stop the affliction.

even when he said he loved me every single night, i doubted. that's what i do. i doubt love. full of fear with no way of finding trust in those who i need to trust the most. in the past, seeing those pictures of you with her made me so frustrated. and even now, seeing him with someone else after the recent events, it's frustrating.

but of course i will always force myself to be stronger than i really am, because that is what i do. i fake it till i make it.

and his pillow smells like me.

was it a mistake? how could a mistake feel so good.

but then it never quite felt right, but then, nothing ever does.

and i'm not sure i'm the true love, wedding and happily ever after type of person

that he always was.

because my attention span is so short

and i would never let anyone's heart break over a hopeless creature such as myself

but it happens anyway, and i can't help it, no matter how hard i try to stop it.

i love everyone around me so much, how could i ever be expected to pick just one

just one person to love for all time and eternity?

that seems kind of a crazy thing to ask of someone with so much love inside.

and just to be clear, his pillow smells like me 

because we watch movies with pillows. 

pillows make watching movies so much better. 

that is all.

who do you think i am?

i find it extremely humorous when my sister comes home from work and she's met another person who says they know me. then, to add to the humor of it all they talk to her about how they know that me and my best friend Seth are going to get married when he comes home from his mission in Brazil.

have you ever found something humorous that was so obviously not meant to be? this is one of those moments for me.

because seriously, i don't know what will happen. how could they? i know what i want to happen and quite honestly, i don't believe that half of it will happen. i want to travel the world, experience the excitement of falling in love over and over again. yes, i know that means my heart must also break just as many times. i want to capture the beauty of the earth in my mind's eye, gather adventures like small children gather flowers in the garden.

i used to see myself getting married young, having a huge family, homeschooling them and the whole sha-bang. but i have changed so much...

there's just no way after you change like i have to go back to that ever again.

who knows what the future holds. but when people tell me what they know is going to happen in my life, it just makes me want to do the opposite. when i have told others that i want to travel the world, i never want to come back to utah i'm told over and over again that everyone says that but never does it. i'm told that i am and will do in essence what they all have done: date, fall in love, marry, make babies, etc.

no!

i refuse to acquiesce to these "normal" deeds.

please do not take that to mean that i am against them, that i think they are bad or anything like that. marriage is beautiful, and sacred and wonderful. and maybe someday...if i ever love someone enough to not hit him in the head every day...then maybe i'll consider it.

some people were meant to love one person...but i have so much love for everyone, i doubt my short attention span could be breached in favor of marital bliss. 

keep your head up, keep your heart strong

i know it hurts.
i know she is mean.
i know you know that they all talk about you behind your back.
i know you never felt loved until him.
i know it hurt like h3!! when he left you.

i also know that this is all temporary, that you don't have to feel this pain forever. because you are loved. someone out there loves you. just keep your head up...keep your heart strong in the wise words of that one song by ben howard. he knew what he was talking about.

you got this.

"what are you thinking?"

i get on facebook and the status asks me what is on your mind?

and i think about how i can never say what i am really thinking. because it hurts

i am thinking about how i never drive to our spot anymore, except today.
i am thinking about how i let him kiss me, and i shouldn't have.
i am thinking about how you were the first reason i fell in love with the guitar, and no one else knows.
i am thinking about how i was not lying when i told him my heart is made of stone. and that is why my hands are so cold.
i am thinking about valentine's day, how most of my wishes of you finding someone better are finally coming true.
i am thinking about how you taught me to forgive, and the glass splinter in my foot
i am thinking about how it all fell apart, but i still love you. and i don't know why.
i am thinking about handwritten notes given in secret. i never liked your handwriting.
i am thinking about my first kiss, and how i wish life were that simple now.
i am thinking about how it's taken me three months to write you a letter, and i didn't even say anything.
i am thinking about how i'm more afraid that i will hurt anyone than i am ever afraid of being hurt myself.

if you are smart and you're reading this then you will have to realize that i am thinking about four different people. i am not responsible for your conclusions.