{ P E R H A P S }

perhaps the timing was all wrong, and we should have either grown up together or not met until...much later

perhaps it is ALL my fault, although in reality it isn't...but perhaps it were...?

perhaps i had known you shouldn't feed kittens milk

perhaps previous experiences taught me better, but by responding how i had wished of others did i tell myself a lie?

perhaps jane austen should always be watched on sunday evenings

perhaps life was meant to be a fairytale

perhaps fairytales are more pain than pleasure than they appear to be

perhaps i should never have held on so tightly to what was never mine

perhaps next time i will learn my lesson and just listen to what people tell me

perhaps...

i am a complete fool.

T o . T e l l . T h e . T r u t h .

for a time, although i still thought of him every single day...i forgot what it meant to love someone. but i think i'm getting better at that again. i may be coming to the realization that you don't marry every man you love...but you still love them with all of your heart.

six months later and i still love him.

{ T I G E R S } & { S H E E P } .

a tiger doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep. ~zag

i make a fool of myself every day these days it feels like. and i'm so tired of it. it's like no matter where i go i'm a magnet for other people's derision and criticism. and i earn and deserve it every time. i do these stupid things...stupid, stupid! things.

sometimes it turns out for the best. like when i asked one guy if he still liked me basically...and he doesn't. and i was happier for it. but all of these other things...

why is life so rough right now. oh i forgot, magnet here.

is it me doing stupid things or am i doing things right and people are the stupid ones and they are all somehow mass confused about the way reality is? or should be. how come people like me can't just be honest? if i could say what i mean and whatever is on my mind...i think i would be happier. at least happier than i already am. it's confusing.

because the more i express myself the meaner people get thus the more alone i feel, but by expressing myself  i am ultimately free and happy in that. and then also when i don't express myself i can fit in more easily with the stupid sheep of this world, but i am completely alone in my silence and constrained.

you can probably tell which happy road i will always choose.

stupid sheep.
llamas are my favorite animal anyway.

r e a l l i f e .

today i got seriously upset by the fact that the heroine in the romantic comedy that i was watching didn't get together with the guy i wanted. of course it wasn't the "happily ever after" that i wanted. i wanted reality for once!

because let's face it. life is no fairy tale.

in fairy tales when the heroine gives the perfect boy the chance of a lifetime, he grabs it and they live happily ever after. he doesn't say no thanks that's boat was shipped off, and then funny enough the girl realizes that that's what she wanted and needed anyway and she feels better for it now, even if she did make a fool of herself. she realizes that that was exactly what she needed to kick the silly crush.

i get a little too into these romantic comedies. i know. i even yelled at the tv today. don't worry, i paused it first so i wouldn't miss anything.

real characters deserve real endings.

and fake ones deserve fairy tales.

so which one do i want? honestly i'm still trying to decide.

but in reference to the movie i watched today...i'm leaning toward reality. every girl needs to fall in love with the guy who is honest with her, who tells her when she's being pathetic and when she needs to stand up for herself instead of being an idiot. the guy who knows you're in love with another man but who loves you anyway...and with all of your flaws.

why can't the heroine fall for the best friend for once?

things i dont say concerning { H I M } .

i never define who he is.

and i'll never tell him how much i wanted to walk up and kiss him that one time

then i'd never tell them that i know what was on that yellow paper, making fun of me

why can't i stop smiling when i hear you talk to older people?

or when you talked crap about that girl you used to date?

but i'll still never get past this wall

because you are the wall that's keeping me away

just like you keep drawing me in.

and i can't escape.

you don't even know, you don't even care

how much it makes me glow inside when you say that something i do is cute

and i wonder how you don't know


just when i think i'm free? i fall for you all over again.

and i wish that you had been the one i had let kiss me, not him.

B E T W E E N t h e L I N E S.

i'm in love with him

but i'm attracted to him.

and i'll never be happy with either.

because of the other.

and it's probably always going

to be something along those lines.

between the lines.

. : : D E C O M P R E S S : : .

oh did you just roll your eyes at me? my heart is torn! { n o t . }

did she really just sing an entire song about singing and dancing and stay completely still? skillful...

i'm so sorry you bruised your kankle...i mean ankle.

don't milk that too much pal...only babies drink more than you do

you're an idiot, but when you think that you're actually the good guy...you're twice the idiot.

girls who chase so hard after lame guys deserve what they get. a broken heart and beach ball growin outa ther hips.

i may want to be a mom someday, but today isn't that day and looking at prego women still makes me nauseous.

you're a hypocrite in an interesting way. you bash on those you most resemble. {s w a g ! }

the stupid is strong with this one.

you're so full of crap the toilet is jealous. time to flush friend....time to flush.

oh you're not gay? you had me fooled.


t h e  e n d .
thank you. thank you.
{ b o w . }

in your dreams

but seriously. why did i dream that?

sum up: in my dream last night the most unlikely girl decided to run off to vegas which caused me to call the most unlikely guy to help me track her down, which took us the entire night to pack for {seriously? pack?} which his dad then found out about us going and stopped us.

oh and sometime during the dream this very most unlikely guy kissed me.

and yes these are all real people in my life, thankfully not day-to-day life {at least one of them} otherwise i don't think i could look at them the same anymore. as it is...it's going to be hard.

i mean. seriously subconscious, do i really want him to kiss me? i mean...not only have i never really considered myself attracted to him but i know he is not attracted to me. so...no basis in any truth there subconscious. seriously. get it right.

yet why am i freaking out?

it's kind of crazy how that dream...of him next to me, and his lips on mine, how that makes me feel like i want to see another side to him.

no! it's just a dream. this is completely ridiculous. i'm a crazy person. and i swear, i won't be acting on this dream because 1) that's irrational, 2) that would ruin another friendship and 3) in dreams we may be perfect...but in reality, he's probably a really bad kisser.

isn't that how it is anyway? the attractive guys stink at it and the not-so-attractive-but-not-ugly-guys are really good at it.

this post should have ended four paragraphs ago.

man v. woman

{note: this post is clean, no references to dirty stuff so don't take it that way}

satisfactory partner. whenever i have made out with a guy, this has been the phrase to go through my head, or that basic idea. the idea that i want to please and make it a good experience.

and the more that i consider this, the more skewed and wrong i think it is.

because i'm not a toy, correct? correct. so this got me to thinking about the relationships between girls and guys, and what do girls do in a relationship because they really do like it. because honestly what girl dresses like a skank because she feels her personal worth in a stripper costume? any girl that says she does is lying to you. sorry boys.

many girls like to feel security, and if not security then companionship. these are the simplest form of our basic desires and needs. i.e. a girl likes it when a guys hands are on her waist/hips. it is a secure position, steadying her by using his stance. a girl let's a guy treat her like a slave though because she doesn't want to be alone.

why do we let ourselves abuse our own basic needs? we confuse ourselves so much!

then there are guys. guys were born to be leaders, the strength and stamina in a sense. man and woman were created to fit like a puzzle. guys like to hold a girl, wrap their arms around her and never let her go. but then again...never let her go? to the point of controlling and then anger and possible abuse?

why is our world so messed up?

i feel like i could never really love a man and let a man love me because of all the twisted and messed up things that can come from something so beautiful. i don't want to ruin that. i'm tired of being their play piece that they use and then forget after two days and another pretty face.

and there's no way i'm going to bring children into a world with a man if those children are going to have to grow up in an even more twisted world than i have had to discover.

because i thought they loved me, every time. or at least truly cared and may come to love me

but that's a fairy tale. and i hate to break it to you but

this is reality.

barbies and bratz

i change my hair almost as fast as i change my heart. and we are both lucky that the hurt and anger doesn't manifest itself any harsher than a few spiteful words. because if it did you would find yourself infertile and whimpering. only an idiot uses a girl with a mind of her own for his personal satisfaction. never mess with a girl's heart. because girls are not barbies to be played with, dressed up and undressed up. we're not made to do your bidding, bending over backwards and doing the splits. behind our beautiful eyes is character and strength.

and you can't mess with that.

if you want to find a girl to play with, buy a Bratz.

change. adjust. and now i'm moving on.

life cycles through those constantly. something changes, it's hard but you adjust {whether fast or slow} and then you move on.

and sometimes when you've moved on it takes only a moment, and other times you don't think you have until you look to the past and realize...it's just the past.

there's always a quote that gets my thoughts about this. "it's funny how day by day nothing changes but looking back...everything has changed."

that girl who used to be my best friend? she's got a boyfriend...and she always said that that would never happen. and my real best friend, the one who i call and we can talk about anything and we cry together - she's married now!

then there's the blog of a girl i don't know {i know i'm a creep, get over it} and i read her blog from when she was a teen and then think about her blog now...and she's married. and she's changed so much too.

and then that boy who used to tease me and asked me on my first date and i said no, he's on a mission now. it's crazy to think that if i had said yes maybe things would have been different.

oh yah.

back to the main point.

the main point is this: for each of these people, for each of these relationships something changed. then they adjusted, whether happily or unhappily and then...suddenly it was the past.

it's a beautiful thing.

the end.

hurt feelings

people can be so hurtful with their words. this last week has been a rough one for me on that plane. i have never had more customers than i did this week who threatened to get my fired or shut down my workplace. then add on top of that all the drama going on in my group of friends there, people lying, and between not knowing whose words to believe and trying to decipher all of the mess, and then people being mad at me when they were the ones who hurt my feelings in the first place...

that sounds so elementary school doesn't. hurt feelings.

but that's what this all is really about. my feelings have been hurt. i don't remember being any unhappier than i have been the past three months. i have always considered myself a happy person. always. someone who likes simple beauty, and really loves anyone who will give her a chance to love them. i don't hold back. and because of that i get hurt a lot i guess. never before now have i met people who i gave and gave to, and only got spat on in return. i'm not your pawn to use and your fair weather companion. when i make a friend, we are always friends. but if you freak out when one time i decide to bail or tell me you'll keep what i tell you to yourself and then decide that actually doesn't apply...

sorry. i'm getting carried away. i'm just having a hard time understanding other people's definitions of friendship. because if this is what the world's live definition is; it's messed up.

so goodnight people. i hope your messed up lives work themselves out by the morning but chances are they won't and chances are i will have to hear and deal with it all over again tomorrow, saying sorry for who knows what because guess what, that's my name.

"i'm sorry."

nice to meet you too.

what'er

players always say they're not players. but what'er

good boys always have a bad streak. but what'er

i always fall for the bad boys and get hurt. but what'er

people aren't what they think they or say they are. but what'er

i trusted people i shouldn't have. but what'er

now i'm moving on to bigger and brighter things.

i see the big picture now, and just like you promised me,

i am a happier person.

this is my place

have you ever thought about the places where you felt the most right? where everything seemed to be just perfect and you never wanted to leave? was it by chance in his arms, or maybe with a guitar in your hands? sometimes was it alone and sometimes in a crowd?

i don't know where my place is anymore. i feel like i'm constantly falling for someone, believing them, believing that they care about me, that i'm not a complete idiot to be doing this to myself again when i already know how this haiku ends. every love story ends, sorry to break it to you.

so maybe i just don't have a place. not that kind of place at least. no place in someone's heart forever oh-so-sappy love story perfect. i do have a place though physically where i can go. and never have i ever taken anyone there...because i don't want to contaminate it.

that sounds harsh you say? but it's true. she ruined the rooftops. he ruined haley's lookout. the walks at night became more of a chore. special places are hard to find and i gave a lot of mine up because i wanted to share that peace i had found there with them. that was a mistake, because the moment you bring someone there...they have a memory in your heart there. and once that friendship or relationship burns to the ground then so does your solitude. you will forever be crowded with the hauntings of those memories.

better to leave your special place just that. yours.

just like you should leave your heart alone, stop ripping pieces out of it and trying to give it to others who won't return a piece of theirs, or a piece of theirs that's too small or too big. that's your heart...you don't have to give it away anymore.

don't bring them to your place.

this is my place.

dear stalker,

just kidding. of course. although i have noticed that my blog here only gets single views per post. which means that there is at least one reader who keeps coming back. i don't know if i know you already or if you are a random person who found my blog on the web but hey, you should comment. i'd love to say hi to my one and only reader. have a great night

kaylla

alone

as long as i can remember i have always been alone.

not in the sense that there is no one else in the same room, less literal

alone in the kind of person i am. and i am.

i truly am...completely...alone.

and the hardest and saddest thing is that i am never more aware of this

than when i am with my "friends".

and back when seth and i were always together, best friends and the whole...shabang

i was happy for the first time and didn't feel alone.

but now that i have changed, even from the girl he knew

and i can never go back to being that same...innocent girl


i have lost him too.


this makes me realize that once again i am on my own

is there any hope?

bruises

you know how when you get a bruise you keep pushing on it to make it hurt, almost as if you are making sure it's still there? ya. i do that too, but with more than just physical bruises.

a girl's best friends: honesty and humility and confidence

believe it or not but time after time (the past six guys who have found them even slightly attracted to me - no i'm not joking about the numbers - and shut up if you think i'm full of it, i honestly could care less right now) i have found that these three fellows are my best friends!

when it comes to catching fish in that sea these are my tips for you girls:

1) honesty. a guy expects a girl to flirt, to be nice and sweet. most of the time he doesn't expect her to speak her mind even if it means making a fool of herself. be different. like telling him straight up that he looks like an idiot in those skinny jeans. of course don't be rude...just honest. sarcasm also can play a part here. use it wisely.

2) humility. if you are wrong just admit it. don't hold on to grudges and insist that you are right when secretly you know you are wrong. just give in and have a little humility and tell them when they actually are right. they'll be shocked.

3) confidence. when he compliments you, just say a thank you. guys don't talk enough so when he does say something, he most likely means it. it may not mean that he likes you and wants to marry you and have a happily ever after with you {!} but seriously. you are beautiful in that dress. and dang girl! if he teases about it, that's fine too, because every joke is rooted in even just a little truth.


the end.

let's try this one more time...

i think it would be better to just give up on men. they are just more pain then they are worth. and i keep getting hurt. thankfully not hurt enough to have to suffer through another broken heart. just bummer days. and you know what? i don't feel happy. and that just isn't like me. i love my friends right now, i really do. but i'm just not as happy as i remember being before. and i might be alone if i take this path...but i think i will be happier in the long run.

yes, i know what you are thinking: "she's said that before..."

well who knows, maybe this time i will be successful. if not at least giving up the bad friends for no friends, but giving up the difficult friends for friends who i can feel truly happy around.

i'm tired of being judged and feeling like it's bad to be "sheltered". i like who i am. and i don't have to try everything to know they're wrong. i used to be so happy. and more than anything i want to go back to that.

ouch

that hurt.
sometimes your "friends"
are the ones to lift you up
but most times
they just cut you into a million pieces

but what'er.

this is why i don't let you in.
don't ask me next time
to open my heart to you.

i'm not doing this trust thing
anymore.

bite my tongue

you said i got sass, that i need to calm down.

and you don't even know what i'm not saying.

because half the time i bite my tongue.


and we stand there in comfortable friendship

supposedly.

but secretly as i watch you dancing around the room

and being so very cute about it

all i want to do is plant one on you right then and there


then i have to go home, and i tell myself the truth

the painful, painful truth

that he doesn't,

and never will feel the same way

and i shouldn't even want it

because he's not right for me.

at least not the light side of me.


we all have a light and dark side to ourselves,

and it's a part of life learning to "bite your tongue"


i always go back to january and wish i had let you kiss me.

depth

looking down into a deep chasm, down...down...down...

and i wonder to myself why i cannot see that depth anywhere else now. were you the only one who held the same darkness inside of themselves as i do? is that why we worked so well together, because we both had hearts as scarred as a veteran's face?

no. it's not. because you weren't scarred at all. somehow you missed all of that. the dirt and grime of this world passed right over you. but me? i soaked it in like a sponge, not caring whether the water i soaked up was clear and pure or full of mud and bacteria.

i just don't understand it. any of it. why someone so perfect could love me...or even just pretend to love me. because i just don't know anymore. i watch that video and hear you say it and i feel like i should laugh. neither of us knew what we were even doing! we thought we'd felt temptation? we thought we had sinned? and all we did was hold hands.

sorry but i gotta kinda laugh at that.

maybe i am just as alone as i have always thought. and i find it hard to believe that i may actually find someone out there who is "perfect" for me. because as far as i am aware...i don't want it to be a decision. is that really the only way?

i don't do the jealous thing

you know that game, two truths and a lie? well that was my lie. i do do the jealous thing. in fact i do it all the time. it's probably one of my biggest faults. it's dumb and pointless though and i know that, even and maybe especially when i feel that way. which might only make it harder.

because i know i'm in the wrong, and i know of no way to stop the affliction.

even when he said he loved me every single night, i doubted. that's what i do. i doubt love. full of fear with no way of finding trust in those who i need to trust the most. in the past, seeing those pictures of you with her made me so frustrated. and even now, seeing him with someone else after the recent events, it's frustrating.

but of course i will always force myself to be stronger than i really am, because that is what i do. i fake it till i make it.

and his pillow smells like me.

was it a mistake? how could a mistake feel so good.

but then it never quite felt right, but then, nothing ever does.

and i'm not sure i'm the true love, wedding and happily ever after type of person

that he always was.

because my attention span is so short

and i would never let anyone's heart break over a hopeless creature such as myself

but it happens anyway, and i can't help it, no matter how hard i try to stop it.

i love everyone around me so much, how could i ever be expected to pick just one

just one person to love for all time and eternity?

that seems kind of a crazy thing to ask of someone with so much love inside.

and just to be clear, his pillow smells like me 

because we watch movies with pillows. 

pillows make watching movies so much better. 

that is all.

who do you think i am?

i find it extremely humorous when my sister comes home from work and she's met another person who says they know me. then, to add to the humor of it all they talk to her about how they know that me and my best friend Seth are going to get married when he comes home from his mission in Brazil.

have you ever found something humorous that was so obviously not meant to be? this is one of those moments for me.

because seriously, i don't know what will happen. how could they? i know what i want to happen and quite honestly, i don't believe that half of it will happen. i want to travel the world, experience the excitement of falling in love over and over again. yes, i know that means my heart must also break just as many times. i want to capture the beauty of the earth in my mind's eye, gather adventures like small children gather flowers in the garden.

i used to see myself getting married young, having a huge family, homeschooling them and the whole sha-bang. but i have changed so much...

there's just no way after you change like i have to go back to that ever again.

who knows what the future holds. but when people tell me what they know is going to happen in my life, it just makes me want to do the opposite. when i have told others that i want to travel the world, i never want to come back to utah i'm told over and over again that everyone says that but never does it. i'm told that i am and will do in essence what they all have done: date, fall in love, marry, make babies, etc.

no!

i refuse to acquiesce to these "normal" deeds.

please do not take that to mean that i am against them, that i think they are bad or anything like that. marriage is beautiful, and sacred and wonderful. and maybe someday...if i ever love someone enough to not hit him in the head every day...then maybe i'll consider it.

some people were meant to love one person...but i have so much love for everyone, i doubt my short attention span could be breached in favor of marital bliss. 

keep your head up, keep your heart strong

i know it hurts.
i know she is mean.
i know you know that they all talk about you behind your back.
i know you never felt loved until him.
i know it hurt like h3!! when he left you.

i also know that this is all temporary, that you don't have to feel this pain forever. because you are loved. someone out there loves you. just keep your head up...keep your heart strong in the wise words of that one song by ben howard. he knew what he was talking about.

you got this.

"what are you thinking?"

i get on facebook and the status asks me what is on your mind?

and i think about how i can never say what i am really thinking. because it hurts

i am thinking about how i never drive to our spot anymore, except today.
i am thinking about how i let him kiss me, and i shouldn't have.
i am thinking about how you were the first reason i fell in love with the guitar, and no one else knows.
i am thinking about how i was not lying when i told him my heart is made of stone. and that is why my hands are so cold.
i am thinking about valentine's day, how most of my wishes of you finding someone better are finally coming true.
i am thinking about how you taught me to forgive, and the glass splinter in my foot
i am thinking about how it all fell apart, but i still love you. and i don't know why.
i am thinking about handwritten notes given in secret. i never liked your handwriting.
i am thinking about my first kiss, and how i wish life were that simple now.
i am thinking about how it's taken me three months to write you a letter, and i didn't even say anything.
i am thinking about how i'm more afraid that i will hurt anyone than i am ever afraid of being hurt myself.

if you are smart and you're reading this then you will have to realize that i am thinking about four different people. i am not responsible for your conclusions.

mistakes

august 4th, 2012. were you a mistake or the best choice i ever made?

trust me, it's always number one.

drown it out

sometimes i listen to my music so loud i can't hear my heartbeat. i turn up my bass and feel the music, literally pumping through my whole being. and i love it. i love how music takes up and encompasses any other thought. i love how you can express things with words, without words, words that rhyme and words that haven't a thing to do with each other. i love how music is bold and music is gentle. i love how in music you can combine anything together or keep things apart. i love how you can sing in your bathroom and sound like pink or play the piano as if you could be jon schmidt. there's always something new too. and so many artists of different genres that you can never hope to listen to them all. i mean seriously, my iTunes library has 15 days worth of music on it i think? let me check....oops 17 actually.

the point of this is i really do love music. and maybe i don't know all the theory of it, but you don't have to be smart to know what you're talking about. sometimes people who spend their whole life studying it have no clue what they're doing, and i'm not saying i know everything. but maybe, just maybe...there's something that rings true for just me about it.

i mean seriously, who doesn't want to be special.

my demons

look into my eyes...it's where my demons hide...


i told him once that his brown eyes made me feel so safe,
that i'd never loved anyone with brown eyes
they were calming, warm, kind...gentle...

those windows into the soul.

what was in my eyes?

how could we change so much.
sometimes i miss you, and my heart hurts
and then i remember how you promised you wouldn't hurt me
but right now my heart feels slashed in two.

and you took the larger half.

were your eyes lying to me?
were there really only demons and lies there?

catharsis

to give relief by release of pressure.



been under so much pressure recently

but just internally.

and that one encounter really helped me to just

let go.

of all of them


and it's a wonderful sense of freedom,

but

i don't think that it will last long.

it never does.

i would never do drugs....

but sometimes i get this high just from being around you.
you don't know me as well as i wish you could
i've noticed you though, and i know the way you walk.
your feet turned out and shoulders hunched just slightly
and i remember how you gave up your seat for me
although i'm sure that was more just common courtesy.
you said that i was beautiful, not just cute or pretty.
there's no way you could know how big of a deal that is.

and you were unafraid.

at least at first. but you made the first real move.
and i got a rush. i had never felt loved like that before
you were strong and full of courage.
i prayed that you were not drunk
and even though i didn't, i wish i had let you kiss me.
i hope that is something i don't spend the rest of my life
regretting.

and now all i hear is silence. i've fallen off your radar.
i wish you would be brave again, would hold me again.


nothing is ever how we want it to be.

pain

i know who i am. i know what i want. i know what i want to do. i know what kinds of things that i love.

but for some reason...



i am all alone.




and bursting from the seams

with pain.

every day, every goodbye

every day i've been saying it in different ways. i don't wear your jacket anymore, and that shirt is hidden away in my closet. i recognized to myself that i never really liked that smell you always used too much of. our places are no longer visited by just me, and when my eyes wander to that star i no longer cry. i've watched movies you would never try, and they were good. i no longer am someone who is ashamed and weak, and maybe you helped me with that, but now i'm on my own. and i am strong. and you were better than i was at being good. but i was better at loving people.

because no matter how many things about you i don't like anymore, i still love you. and that is why saying goodbye hurts so much now. it's as if you died this morning. and i cried. but then i was ready for it. it's almost as if i had already moved on long ago in my heart, but not my head.

those two can never figure out their thing.



goodbye. at least as lovers. i hope that we may still remain friends. and i hope you find someone who has everything in her that you said you loved in me. and i hope i find happiness again. but i am at peace here, without you. and maybe that's the answer to this question after all. i'm finally at peace.

see you later.

human nature

deep inside we all want to be heard. communication is what pulls us all together. we want to communicate that we were here. we existed. we want the whole wide world to know that we are not going to back down, we are strong and we are going to last through the centuries. the egyptians made pyramids. a persian king had his slaves create a statue of himself with the words beneath "look upon me all ye nations and fear", only for it to become dust in the avalanche of time. we print ourselves with tattoos because even if she hates them later and they're stretched with age, they're permanent. as very few things are. because friends change. families change. the world changes. and if you think too hard about it, even that tattoo changes. we want for permanence still. we want eternity. we look up, we reach out, we wander because we lust for for more. wanderlust. looking up at the sky we see permanence we can't imitate and so we look down. we lose ourselves in the tears of the rain falling down to earth, because no matter how hard they try, each rain drop only gets as high as the cloud that holds it. what is our cloud? what is the limit for you, for me. will we ever reach it, if there even is a limit. maybe that's what we're all looking for, our limit. those who find it, do they die?

supposed to

i was supposed to be strong

i was supposed to remember who i wasn't

i was supposed to not fall...twice

i was supposed be better


but nothing ever goes as it's supposed to.

i was weak.

i forgot who i wasn't.

i fell in love twice.

i wasn't who i should have been.

i wish i were a good as molly gibson.

i watched the end of Wives and Daughters last night. it was almost 2AM when i finished. but i was reminded of how good molly was, and how even when she wasn't wanted in that way she remained true to roger, she waited for him even when he didn't know he loved her.

again....

i wish i were as good as molly gibson.

99 red balloons.

in eighth grade i had gold shoes. they were some of my favorite shoes too. and i remember one of the biggest days of my life, i was in art class...and i looked down at my shoes and then looked back up and saw a couple of guys in my class and looked back down. and i was tired of it.

and so i decided not to be in love.

for the first time in my life i let go of love. because as long as i could remember i had been in love with someone. starting in kindergarten at least. and i was so happy! it was literally the happiest day of my life.

and now it's valentine's day. a year ago i was setting free balloon wishes with my best friend. and honestly, i want to go back to that day in eighth grade when i set myself free. because they say that what you think about constantly, you become. and i really don't want to be that person anymore. she never had adventures. and i'm going to.

it's like that song - "i'm the hero of this story, don't need to be saved."

they also say that it takes 30 days to make a habit. and what better day to start a love-fast than on valentine's day? but just to be sure...i'm going to make it three times as potent. plus nine.

99 days without love.

and to be honest, i'm thinking this all up on the spot, as i type. so until May 23, 2013 i am "fasting". i'm living life to live it. not to be in love, and if i meet attractive men to be honest with them and myself. aaaaannnnndddd....oh! i got it. on May 23 if i am successful, i am going to release 99 red balloons.

here is to a life full of love for life itself, to discovering new things without being hindered by the judgments and opinions of others whom i would normally try to impress and only make a fool of myself in the process. here's to being happy and at peace with myself again.

i'm going to be the hero of my own story.

i felt nothing

i had a dream last night. and recently my dreams have been pretty vivid. this one i was the understudy in a play as cinderella and my best friend was prince charming. it was the first time we had seen each other in a couple years. he ran and gave me a hug and kissed me i think.

but i didn't feel anything.

what is wrong with me? i love him. so why did i dream that i didn't? that i was almost disgusted with how he was acting? our brains are so odd, especially when we're sleeping.

called to serve

oh! guess who got her mission call? this girl. and i have been called to serve in the Brazil Sao Paulo North mission. i leave july 2nd {if my visa comes on time} and july 3rd if not.

parabems para mim!

to be heard

i've heard that the greatest thing we as mankind desire is communication, to connect with one another. but i disagree. i do think that we all want something in common though, but it's not communication or connection.

we want to be heard.

you can say all that you want to say, mean every single word but it won't make any difference if no one is listening to you. if no one listens, no one is heard and if no one is heard, aren't we alone after all?

and it's interesting for me that in my religion, God always hears you. it's a beautiful thing really and i'm realizing how true this all is the more i think and write and wonder about it all. the truest peace comes from the Heavenly Father who always hears his children.

so the greatest happiness is found when you lose yourself and serve others, give yourself to making another person happy. so listen. listen to the child and their off-key singing. listen to the man bearing his testimony, even though he has an annoying voice. listen to your children, for maybe you if you did you would realize that they are trying after all. listen to your friends, because haven't they always listened to you?

the biggest changes usually come about from something small. i wish this were something i could change in this world. i wish we could all just hear one another.

so pass it on.

beautifully flawed

"to be human is to be beautifully flawed."

-october baby

have you ever been attracted to someone who you knew inside of yourself was not good for you? i mean, you're going on a mission, papers in and everything all set and he's not even active kind of picture? yah. and yet you still find yourself thinking about them. thinking about how when he stands close to you, you wish you were closer. thinking about that night when he almost kissed you and how you wish you had let him. thinking about how he held you close and you'd give almost anything to be back there again.

key word: almost.

but reality is never the way we wish it were. life isn't a fairytale. i'm going on a mission. and i promise, i am working on getting this guy out of my head. and to be honest, my head and my heart agree that he is not good for me. at least most of my heart.

and i truly know that i am supposed to serve the Lord. even just today, i had a missionary experience and it felt good to know that even in a small sense, i could make a difference. even if it was just in the way that "mormons" are perceived.

anyway - back to the topic - i like this guy that i shouldn't like. and because i'm going on a mission, and he knows that, he is no longer interested in me. it hurt. but he's right. my heart is just slower to let that sink it. in a sense i am very thankful to him. one sense. all the other senses are sorry.

maybe enough silence from him will really hit it home eventually.

and this is why i am flawed. to be loved is a beautiful adventure, to have romance and excitement is wonderful. and i guess it's a part of what makes me human, i always find myself being the sucker for a good drama or romance, no matter how many times i fall flat on my face. and yes, i have been told i have a thing for the bad boys and it's not good.

hopefully this flaw will lead to a beautiful ending somewhere down this road.

small thoughts

you know those random, seemingly insignificant thoughts you get sometimes while you're driving in the car on the way to work? or maybe you're watching a movie and your mind wanders?

here are some of mine {please forgive if most of them sound like facebook statuses}:

after nine years of trying to fit in with them and wanting them to love you like they "loved" each other...i'm finally learning to just. let. go.

the soundtrack to my life will be David Tolk. and someday i would like to go to a cafe, drink some hot chocolate and tell him all the times when his music helped me clear my mind at critical moments.

i really just want to kiss him. and just for the heck of it. not because he is the best guy i have ever known, not because he is a good person at all. simply because i have this incredible urge that if i don't, i will always regret it.

have you ever been surrounded by friends...and yet not known a single one of them?

for as long as i can remember i hated using the words "thee", "thou" or "thine" or anything like that when praying. but i heard something yesterday...someone said that all of those words displayed a closeness to God, not distance. i never understood that. i never even knew that that was lost from this language. and suddenly i understand.

the end

"what are you thinking?"

"your beliefs become your thoughts,

your thoughts become your words,

your words become your actions,

your actions become your habits,

your habits become your values,

your values become your destiny."

~Mahatma Gandhi

all these words in my mind, all these fears, all of these hopes and dreams and desires keep crashing around in there like the lost seas, depth unknown and whether calm or raging full of an uncertainty that nothing can cure.

as human beings we are always discovering ourselves. we never stop changing. every experience affects us, just like every wash of the waves changes the sands of the world, polishes the edges of every seashell over time.

and then something changes you, more than anything else. and you're never that same person you were, and never will be ever again. you've lost who you used to be, with no chance of being her ever again. and that is why we always find ourselves discovering not the same person, but a new one, over and over and over again and it's never-ending.

through it all...you have these words in your mind, a constant screaming that needs to be heard. but you can't let it out. your anger, your fear, your hurts. if you let them out someone uses them, because everything you say, can and will be held against you. no exceptions.

so many people live their lives not giving a darn what people use those words for. but me? i'm afraid of that power. words. they are so strong.

but who i am now, she's more lost when she can't be heard. she doesn't want to be asked and most of the time she wants to simply be silent. because the world isn't really ever silent. if you listen long enough even at the most quiet moments, the rest of the world rushes in to makes its own voice heard.

so here it is my turn. my turn to "just say something". no matter what it is.

and maybe i will discover my destiny along the way as well as myself.