mistakes

august 4th, 2012. were you a mistake or the best choice i ever made?

trust me, it's always number one.

drown it out

sometimes i listen to my music so loud i can't hear my heartbeat. i turn up my bass and feel the music, literally pumping through my whole being. and i love it. i love how music takes up and encompasses any other thought. i love how you can express things with words, without words, words that rhyme and words that haven't a thing to do with each other. i love how music is bold and music is gentle. i love how in music you can combine anything together or keep things apart. i love how you can sing in your bathroom and sound like pink or play the piano as if you could be jon schmidt. there's always something new too. and so many artists of different genres that you can never hope to listen to them all. i mean seriously, my iTunes library has 15 days worth of music on it i think? let me check....oops 17 actually.

the point of this is i really do love music. and maybe i don't know all the theory of it, but you don't have to be smart to know what you're talking about. sometimes people who spend their whole life studying it have no clue what they're doing, and i'm not saying i know everything. but maybe, just maybe...there's something that rings true for just me about it.

i mean seriously, who doesn't want to be special.

my demons

look into my eyes...it's where my demons hide...


i told him once that his brown eyes made me feel so safe,
that i'd never loved anyone with brown eyes
they were calming, warm, kind...gentle...

those windows into the soul.

what was in my eyes?

how could we change so much.
sometimes i miss you, and my heart hurts
and then i remember how you promised you wouldn't hurt me
but right now my heart feels slashed in two.

and you took the larger half.

were your eyes lying to me?
were there really only demons and lies there?

catharsis

to give relief by release of pressure.



been under so much pressure recently

but just internally.

and that one encounter really helped me to just

let go.

of all of them


and it's a wonderful sense of freedom,

but

i don't think that it will last long.

it never does.

i would never do drugs....

but sometimes i get this high just from being around you.
you don't know me as well as i wish you could
i've noticed you though, and i know the way you walk.
your feet turned out and shoulders hunched just slightly
and i remember how you gave up your seat for me
although i'm sure that was more just common courtesy.
you said that i was beautiful, not just cute or pretty.
there's no way you could know how big of a deal that is.

and you were unafraid.

at least at first. but you made the first real move.
and i got a rush. i had never felt loved like that before
you were strong and full of courage.
i prayed that you were not drunk
and even though i didn't, i wish i had let you kiss me.
i hope that is something i don't spend the rest of my life
regretting.

and now all i hear is silence. i've fallen off your radar.
i wish you would be brave again, would hold me again.


nothing is ever how we want it to be.

pain

i know who i am. i know what i want. i know what i want to do. i know what kinds of things that i love.

but for some reason...



i am all alone.




and bursting from the seams

with pain.

every day, every goodbye

every day i've been saying it in different ways. i don't wear your jacket anymore, and that shirt is hidden away in my closet. i recognized to myself that i never really liked that smell you always used too much of. our places are no longer visited by just me, and when my eyes wander to that star i no longer cry. i've watched movies you would never try, and they were good. i no longer am someone who is ashamed and weak, and maybe you helped me with that, but now i'm on my own. and i am strong. and you were better than i was at being good. but i was better at loving people.

because no matter how many things about you i don't like anymore, i still love you. and that is why saying goodbye hurts so much now. it's as if you died this morning. and i cried. but then i was ready for it. it's almost as if i had already moved on long ago in my heart, but not my head.

those two can never figure out their thing.



goodbye. at least as lovers. i hope that we may still remain friends. and i hope you find someone who has everything in her that you said you loved in me. and i hope i find happiness again. but i am at peace here, without you. and maybe that's the answer to this question after all. i'm finally at peace.

see you later.

human nature

deep inside we all want to be heard. communication is what pulls us all together. we want to communicate that we were here. we existed. we want the whole wide world to know that we are not going to back down, we are strong and we are going to last through the centuries. the egyptians made pyramids. a persian king had his slaves create a statue of himself with the words beneath "look upon me all ye nations and fear", only for it to become dust in the avalanche of time. we print ourselves with tattoos because even if she hates them later and they're stretched with age, they're permanent. as very few things are. because friends change. families change. the world changes. and if you think too hard about it, even that tattoo changes. we want for permanence still. we want eternity. we look up, we reach out, we wander because we lust for for more. wanderlust. looking up at the sky we see permanence we can't imitate and so we look down. we lose ourselves in the tears of the rain falling down to earth, because no matter how hard they try, each rain drop only gets as high as the cloud that holds it. what is our cloud? what is the limit for you, for me. will we ever reach it, if there even is a limit. maybe that's what we're all looking for, our limit. those who find it, do they die?

supposed to

i was supposed to be strong

i was supposed to remember who i wasn't

i was supposed to not fall...twice

i was supposed be better


but nothing ever goes as it's supposed to.

i was weak.

i forgot who i wasn't.

i fell in love twice.

i wasn't who i should have been.