{ T I G E R S } & { S H E E P } .

a tiger doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep. ~zag

i make a fool of myself every day these days it feels like. and i'm so tired of it. it's like no matter where i go i'm a magnet for other people's derision and criticism. and i earn and deserve it every time. i do these stupid things...stupid, stupid! things.

sometimes it turns out for the best. like when i asked one guy if he still liked me basically...and he doesn't. and i was happier for it. but all of these other things...

why is life so rough right now. oh i forgot, magnet here.

is it me doing stupid things or am i doing things right and people are the stupid ones and they are all somehow mass confused about the way reality is? or should be. how come people like me can't just be honest? if i could say what i mean and whatever is on my mind...i think i would be happier. at least happier than i already am. it's confusing.

because the more i express myself the meaner people get thus the more alone i feel, but by expressing myself  i am ultimately free and happy in that. and then also when i don't express myself i can fit in more easily with the stupid sheep of this world, but i am completely alone in my silence and constrained.

you can probably tell which happy road i will always choose.

stupid sheep.
llamas are my favorite animal anyway.

r e a l l i f e .

today i got seriously upset by the fact that the heroine in the romantic comedy that i was watching didn't get together with the guy i wanted. of course it wasn't the "happily ever after" that i wanted. i wanted reality for once!

because let's face it. life is no fairy tale.

in fairy tales when the heroine gives the perfect boy the chance of a lifetime, he grabs it and they live happily ever after. he doesn't say no thanks that's boat was shipped off, and then funny enough the girl realizes that that's what she wanted and needed anyway and she feels better for it now, even if she did make a fool of herself. she realizes that that was exactly what she needed to kick the silly crush.

i get a little too into these romantic comedies. i know. i even yelled at the tv today. don't worry, i paused it first so i wouldn't miss anything.

real characters deserve real endings.

and fake ones deserve fairy tales.

so which one do i want? honestly i'm still trying to decide.

but in reference to the movie i watched today...i'm leaning toward reality. every girl needs to fall in love with the guy who is honest with her, who tells her when she's being pathetic and when she needs to stand up for herself instead of being an idiot. the guy who knows you're in love with another man but who loves you anyway...and with all of your flaws.

why can't the heroine fall for the best friend for once?

things i dont say concerning { H I M } .

i never define who he is.

and i'll never tell him how much i wanted to walk up and kiss him that one time

then i'd never tell them that i know what was on that yellow paper, making fun of me

why can't i stop smiling when i hear you talk to older people?

or when you talked crap about that girl you used to date?

but i'll still never get past this wall

because you are the wall that's keeping me away

just like you keep drawing me in.

and i can't escape.

you don't even know, you don't even care

how much it makes me glow inside when you say that something i do is cute

and i wonder how you don't know


just when i think i'm free? i fall for you all over again.

and i wish that you had been the one i had let kiss me, not him.

B E T W E E N t h e L I N E S.

i'm in love with him

but i'm attracted to him.

and i'll never be happy with either.

because of the other.

and it's probably always going

to be something along those lines.

between the lines.

. : : D E C O M P R E S S : : .

oh did you just roll your eyes at me? my heart is torn! { n o t . }

did she really just sing an entire song about singing and dancing and stay completely still? skillful...

i'm so sorry you bruised your kankle...i mean ankle.

don't milk that too much pal...only babies drink more than you do

you're an idiot, but when you think that you're actually the good guy...you're twice the idiot.

girls who chase so hard after lame guys deserve what they get. a broken heart and beach ball growin outa ther hips.

i may want to be a mom someday, but today isn't that day and looking at prego women still makes me nauseous.

you're a hypocrite in an interesting way. you bash on those you most resemble. {s w a g ! }

the stupid is strong with this one.

you're so full of crap the toilet is jealous. time to flush friend....time to flush.

oh you're not gay? you had me fooled.


t h e  e n d .
thank you. thank you.
{ b o w . }

in your dreams

but seriously. why did i dream that?

sum up: in my dream last night the most unlikely girl decided to run off to vegas which caused me to call the most unlikely guy to help me track her down, which took us the entire night to pack for {seriously? pack?} which his dad then found out about us going and stopped us.

oh and sometime during the dream this very most unlikely guy kissed me.

and yes these are all real people in my life, thankfully not day-to-day life {at least one of them} otherwise i don't think i could look at them the same anymore. as it is...it's going to be hard.

i mean. seriously subconscious, do i really want him to kiss me? i mean...not only have i never really considered myself attracted to him but i know he is not attracted to me. so...no basis in any truth there subconscious. seriously. get it right.

yet why am i freaking out?

it's kind of crazy how that dream...of him next to me, and his lips on mine, how that makes me feel like i want to see another side to him.

no! it's just a dream. this is completely ridiculous. i'm a crazy person. and i swear, i won't be acting on this dream because 1) that's irrational, 2) that would ruin another friendship and 3) in dreams we may be perfect...but in reality, he's probably a really bad kisser.

isn't that how it is anyway? the attractive guys stink at it and the not-so-attractive-but-not-ugly-guys are really good at it.

this post should have ended four paragraphs ago.

man v. woman

{note: this post is clean, no references to dirty stuff so don't take it that way}

satisfactory partner. whenever i have made out with a guy, this has been the phrase to go through my head, or that basic idea. the idea that i want to please and make it a good experience.

and the more that i consider this, the more skewed and wrong i think it is.

because i'm not a toy, correct? correct. so this got me to thinking about the relationships between girls and guys, and what do girls do in a relationship because they really do like it. because honestly what girl dresses like a skank because she feels her personal worth in a stripper costume? any girl that says she does is lying to you. sorry boys.

many girls like to feel security, and if not security then companionship. these are the simplest form of our basic desires and needs. i.e. a girl likes it when a guys hands are on her waist/hips. it is a secure position, steadying her by using his stance. a girl let's a guy treat her like a slave though because she doesn't want to be alone.

why do we let ourselves abuse our own basic needs? we confuse ourselves so much!

then there are guys. guys were born to be leaders, the strength and stamina in a sense. man and woman were created to fit like a puzzle. guys like to hold a girl, wrap their arms around her and never let her go. but then again...never let her go? to the point of controlling and then anger and possible abuse?

why is our world so messed up?

i feel like i could never really love a man and let a man love me because of all the twisted and messed up things that can come from something so beautiful. i don't want to ruin that. i'm tired of being their play piece that they use and then forget after two days and another pretty face.

and there's no way i'm going to bring children into a world with a man if those children are going to have to grow up in an even more twisted world than i have had to discover.

because i thought they loved me, every time. or at least truly cared and may come to love me

but that's a fairy tale. and i hate to break it to you but

this is reality.

barbies and bratz

i change my hair almost as fast as i change my heart. and we are both lucky that the hurt and anger doesn't manifest itself any harsher than a few spiteful words. because if it did you would find yourself infertile and whimpering. only an idiot uses a girl with a mind of her own for his personal satisfaction. never mess with a girl's heart. because girls are not barbies to be played with, dressed up and undressed up. we're not made to do your bidding, bending over backwards and doing the splits. behind our beautiful eyes is character and strength.

and you can't mess with that.

if you want to find a girl to play with, buy a Bratz.