beautifully flawed

"to be human is to be beautifully flawed."

-october baby

have you ever been attracted to someone who you knew inside of yourself was not good for you? i mean, you're going on a mission, papers in and everything all set and he's not even active kind of picture? yah. and yet you still find yourself thinking about them. thinking about how when he stands close to you, you wish you were closer. thinking about that night when he almost kissed you and how you wish you had let him. thinking about how he held you close and you'd give almost anything to be back there again.

key word: almost.

but reality is never the way we wish it were. life isn't a fairytale. i'm going on a mission. and i promise, i am working on getting this guy out of my head. and to be honest, my head and my heart agree that he is not good for me. at least most of my heart.

and i truly know that i am supposed to serve the Lord. even just today, i had a missionary experience and it felt good to know that even in a small sense, i could make a difference. even if it was just in the way that "mormons" are perceived.

anyway - back to the topic - i like this guy that i shouldn't like. and because i'm going on a mission, and he knows that, he is no longer interested in me. it hurt. but he's right. my heart is just slower to let that sink it. in a sense i am very thankful to him. one sense. all the other senses are sorry.

maybe enough silence from him will really hit it home eventually.

and this is why i am flawed. to be loved is a beautiful adventure, to have romance and excitement is wonderful. and i guess it's a part of what makes me human, i always find myself being the sucker for a good drama or romance, no matter how many times i fall flat on my face. and yes, i have been told i have a thing for the bad boys and it's not good.

hopefully this flaw will lead to a beautiful ending somewhere down this road.